"This is WRONG, you stupid CUNT!" he screamed at her. "I said, no MOTHERFUCKING foam, bitch! Fix it now, goddamnit, or I'll have you fucking fired from this shithole."
I thought maybe this cocksucker should be cut off. No more coffee for him, seriously. But no. The barista politely took the coffee from him and tossed it in the trash. "Sorry sir. Right away." And she told her associates to get busy making his coffee.
"WHAT THE FUCK!!??" the dickhead screamed. "I was going to drink that, you stupid cunt. Now, you owe me TWO more coffees."
"I'm sorry?" the barista replied, clearly confused.
"You threw away my fucking coffee, you stupid cunt. Now make me two more. Snap, Snap. NOW!" This idiot was clearly out of his mind.
The barista, still confused started ringing up a sale for his second cup of coffee because, fuck man, he only paid for one cup of coffee and now he's demanding two.
"Fine, sir. Two of those coffees. That will be another $4.45," she said in her most polite go-fuck-yourself voice.
At this, the dickhead literally tried to reach across the counter and punch her in the face. He failed, of course, just flailing in the air.
I finally stepped in. "Excuse me," I said. "I'll pay for his second coffee. If you don't mind, sir, some of us would also like some coffee. So please step aside while they make your drinks so we can move this along."
The dickhead just stared at me with dead eyes. Like he wanted to choke me to death or something, right there in the line. "Fine," he finally said. "But those coffees had better be done when I get out of the shitter."
"I'm sure they will be," I said with a smile and he left to the shitter. A huge sigh of relief was heard from the rest of the people in the line.
"What can I get you?" the barista asked me. Now, I wasn't next in line. So, I stood back so the lady who was next in line could order.
The lady smiled at me. "Oh please, I don't mind. You deserve it for getting rid of that asshole."
So, I ordered my coffee, took out my wallet to pay and the barista smiled at me. "Oh no. This is on the house. For what you just did. Thank you so much." Her smile just beamed at me. Pretty sure I could have taken her into the restroom and fucked her brains out, if I was so inclined.
Instead, I stepped out of line, grabbed a handful of napkins and went to the men's restroom. I hoped that stupid dickhead was still inside, and also, that he had left the door unlocked like a fucking idiot. Sure enough, I turned the handle and it was unlocked. Walked inside and saw the jackass taking a shit.
"What the fuck?!" he said as he glared at me. "I'm a little busy here man, get the fuck out."
"Well, you didn't lock the door, so I assumed that meant you were allowing visitors." I turned and locked the door behind me. "Allow me to introduce myself. I'm the guy who's about to kill you with a handful of napkins," I said with a bow.
"What the fuck did you just say? Get the fuck out of here man!" he said, with a bit of confusion in his voice.
I walked quickly over to him and stuffed the handful of napkins in his mouth. Cupped my hand over his face and pinched his nose with my other hand. I've found that the quickest and cleanest kills are usually suffocation. No blood at all.
He thrashed on the toilet for a while as he suffocated under my pressure. The worst part was him shitting all over the back of the toilet while he died. No blood, but fucking hell. What a mess.
When I was done with him, I washed my hands and left the restroom, locking the door behind me so it would be a while before they found his rotting corpse.
Stopped by the counter to pick up my coffee that was finished and the barista that helped me earlier gave me her number. She smiled and said "Call me."
Life is grand.
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DISCLAIMER: This is fiction, you fucking idiots. It's just a goddamn story.
This blog can also be found at http://killingeveryday.com
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