This was one of those days when I fucking wish to hell that my goddamn big-ass truck would fit through the Dairy Queen drive through.
This one fucking guy in front of me at the counter took FOREVER! While he was ordering, or failing to order, or whatever mental clusterfuck he was doing, I saw at least five vehicles pass through the drive through, get their goodies, and get on with their lives.
I really couldn't tell what the guy's problem was. Standing at the counter, trying to order with his two children, he would say "Okay, I think I'll have a Peanut Buster Parfait. What do you think, Drew?" Like asking his daughter (or maybe the poor children he had just recently abducted) if his order was a good idea? Or maybe what did Drew want? I have no fucking idea.
The poor girl just stood there with a stupid smile on her face and said nothing. Maybe she wasn't abducted, just retarded like her father. "Or, I don't know... A buster bar?" I didn't know if he was asking the counter girl who was desperately trying to take his order, or if he was asking god, or his retard children.
I stood there, knowing exactly what I wanted to order. I knew that if nobody was in line in front of me, I would be in and out of the place in less than five minutes. So every word this retard uttered drove me more and more insane. Every word was like nails on a chalk board.
I wanted to kill him right there while we were in line. I wanted to wipe his stupid fucking retard grin off his face with a pair of needle-nosed pliers. Goddamnit, I hated that guy.
"Maybe a cone? I don't know. What do you think, Shelly?" He asked the other girl that was with him. The retard dad went on and on like this for literally fifteen minutes. I'm not exaggerating one bit. I looked at my watch. Who the bloody fuck takes 15 minutes to order some motherfucking ice cream? This retard.
So, finally he has made up his mind. He places the order and hands the girl his credit card. A credit card, for a five dollar purchase. Fuck this guy! It's not like fucking McDonald's. At Dairy Queen, they have one credit card machine for the whole goddamn place. So the girl goes and stands in line at the motherfucking credit card machine, while all the drive through customers just keep getting their treats and moving along.
I don't blame Dairy Queen. They do this for a reason. They want cash. I was so close to just taking a five dollar bill out of my wallet and saying "Here! For fucks sake. Just get the fuck out of line, and I'll pay for your shit." But, I didn't. I just stood there, stewing some more. Planning this retard's brutal demise.
The counter girl finished the transaction, gave the retard back his card and he gave her a weird look. "On second thought..." He said.
"Seriously?" I finally said, frustrated. "Other people want their treats too, you know." By this time, several other people were in line behind me, becoming just as impatient.
The retarded dad ignored me and just said "Yea... Can we get some fries too?" He asked the counter girl. Like they couldn't actually make fries. Like they just put them on the menu to taunt you or something.
"Of course." Said the counter girl. "That'll be $1.49."
Don't you do it. Mother fucking retard, don't you fucking dare pull out your credit card to pay $1.49.
And, he pulled out his credit card again. God-fucking-damnit! I couldn't wait to rip this guy's heart out and stomp on it with my steel-toed boots.
After that, he finally left the counter and I placed my order. It took me all of ten seconds to order. I stared back at the retard dad in a booth with his two retard kids. They were all smiling that retard smile and talking their retard talk. I swear if I had some sort of machine gun with me, I would have just taken out the whole fucking restaurant right then and there. Fucking smug retard cunts.
I got my ice cream, and sat at the booth across from the retard dad. I gave him the death stare. He didn't even notice my existence. Just rambled on with his retard kids about how he loved the color red and aren't horses nice? Oh look, a birdie.
I could almost understand it if his kids were like one or two years old, but these girls were teenagers, for fucks sake. How the fuck were they putting up with such drivel from this retard dad, I have no idea. I guess they had the retard gene as well.
After about twenty minutes of them talking their retard talk and eating their retard ice cream and stuffing their retard fries in their stupid retard faces, they finally got up to leave. By this time, I had finished my ice cream a long time ago and the whole time, I just stared at retard dad, in the hopes that he might notice me, so he would know who would destroy his life.
I thought for a second, that if he had stopped and noticed me, noticed that he had made my life a living hell as he ordered his stupid retard food. Maybe, if he said he was sorry. Just for a second, I thought, well maybe he didn't have to die. Maybe his kids were just retarded and he was just stooping to their level for a while.
Thank god, that wasn't the case. He didn't notice me. He never said a word to me, never even looked at me. I was completely invisible to him. So, it was quite a surprise when I walked up behind him, at his car and smashed his stupid face through the driver side window.
It was a good thing that it was late, about ten PM at the time. The parking lot was fairly empty and the traffic on Highway 26 was very light.
Retard dad's kids screamed in his car. "Daddy!" They both yelled. They were teenagers, and they both yelled "Daddy!" So sad. I stuck my head through the broken driver side window and stared both of them down.
"Retard dad is coming with me." I said, in a calm and clear voice. "If you don't want to get hurt, you will both stay in this car and be quiet, until we get back." I had no intention to come back, but they didn't know that.
They stared at me in horror. "Am I understood?" I asked.
Blank stares from both of them. "Speaka engrish?" I asked.
Finally, one of them giggled and said "What...?"
"Stay here, and be quiet." I said. "Understand?" Neither of them said a word. Good start, at least they were too retarded to say much.
Retard dad was still sort of unconscious, his face covered in blood and drool from the blow to the window. I got a chain from the bed of my truck and wrapped it around his neck. Then, I wrapped the other end of the chain to the trailer hitch on the back of my truck.
I kicked him hard in the gut. "Notice me now?" I asked him in my most serious voice.
"What..." Was all he gargled out of his stupid face.
I got up into my truck and took off up the mountain with retard dad dragging behind, his face grinding on the pavement. I was watching in my rear-view mirror with glee and he thrashed on the pavement. I don't remember ever grinning that wide in my entire life. It was beautiful.
A couple miles later, I stopped on the side of the road, just to see what condition the poor retard was in. I had only gotten up to about twenty miles an hour, so he really shouldn't be dead yet.
"Notice me now, fuck face?" I asked him as he writhed around a little on the pavement. I kicked him in the gut a few times. "How about now?"
"Aggggggaagggggggg..." Was about all he could muster. His shirt and jacket were tore to shreds, but still hung on. His pants were tattered, shredded in places, but also still held.
"Lets see how your retard face holds up at fifty." I said as I kicked him square in the face. Got back in my truck and took off up the highway again.
After about ten miles and sixty miles an hour, it was hard to tell that there was a body being pulled behind me at all. It looked like just a string of dead meat pulp.
I stopped on the side of the road again and went to have a look at what was left of retard dad. Yup, just dead meat pulp.
"Damn..." I said to myself as I unhooked the body and put the chain away. "Now I could really go for a Peanut Buster Parfait."
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DISCLAIMER: This is fiction, you fucking idiots. It's just a goddamn story.
This blog can also be found at http://killeveryday.wordpress.com
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