All was well and good until our drive back home, over the mountain. I was driving the truck as we got to the base of the east side of the mountain, and it had already gotten dark. Visibility was shit. The white line on the right side of the road was covered in scatterings of gravel, dirt, and a tad bit of snow. The center line was nearly non-existent, covered also with dirt and grime.
Then the fog came which totally fucked my life. I mean, goddamnit. The road lines were fucked. There was nobody in front of me that I could follow. And now the motherfucking fog? Fuck me.
My buddy Dan was quietly reading his Kindle in the passenger seat. Just sitting there, not a care in the world. Motherfucker. "Can you believe this shit?" I asked.
"What?" he said like he was surprised there was someone actually driving.
"The fucking fog. Look at this shit!" I said, like my life was clearly fucked by the goddamn fog.
"Yea? So? It's a goddamn mountain, dumbass. What do ya expect?" he said, as if I'm a total fucking idiot for not understanding this simple concept.
"Fuck you man!" I said. "I can't see a fucking thing. This is bullshit."
"Whatever," he said, and went back to reading.
Just then, a motherfucking jackass started riding my ass with bullshit aftermarket headlights that were bright as fuck. I tilted my rear-view mirror to dim his lights but they still blared bright as fuck through my side mirrors.
"Fucking asshole!" I shouted into my rear-view mirror.
"Jesus christ, what now?" said Dan, perturbed at all the fucking interruptions. Can't a man read porn in peace?
"It's bad enough that I can't see shit, now I got this cocksucker riding my ass! Fucking bullshit aftermarket lights are blinding me to fuck," I said, apparently like a crying little girl.
"Oh my god... Stop yer crying and learn how to drive for christ sake," said dan, not even looking up from his porn.
So, I just sighed and took it like a man for about ten miles with that same jackass riding my tail.
A passing lane finally came up so I pulled into the slow lane and even slowed down to about forty miles an hour so the cocksucker would finally pass. He didn't.
"Seriously?!" I yelled at the rear-view mirror. "This cocksucker is seriously not gonna pass. Motherfucker."
"Jesus christ. Are you kidding me with this shit?" said Dan. I finally thought he was getting on my side for once. "Do I have to drive? I mean do you have some kind of problem, or something?" I guess he was still of the opinion that I was a motherfucking pussy.
"Shut up!" I said. "I fucking got this. If this cocksucker will pass already." But, he didn't pass.
Another ten miles or so went by and the same jackass was still riding my ass. I thought briefly about just stopping at the side of the road and letting him pass. Fuck that. If I did that, I really would be a pussy boy. All of Dan's fantasies would be true.
Another passing lane came up and again, I moved to the slow lane and got down to about forty miles an hour. "Come on, motherfucker. You can do it..." I said, coaxing the jackass in my rear-view mirror to pass.
The bastard actually got over to the left lane and started to pass. "Sweet, finally." I said, with a sigh of relief. But he wasn't fast enough. The end of the passing lane was coming up and he let off the gas and got back behind me.
"Motherfucker!" I said. Dan completely ignored me.
So, I said "Fuck it" and pulled the truck to the side of the road near the Frog Lake exit. The jackass fell in behind me on the side of the road. Somehow, I figured he would.
I grabbed my .45 from the glove box, got out of the truck and walked back to have a little chat with the cocksucker that loved my ass so much.
He must have seen the gun in my hand as I walked up to his car, because he started to peel out in the snow, in an attempt to get away. Fuck that. I put a round in the center of his windshield and he just stopped cold and stared in disbelief.
I walked up and tapped on his driver side window with the .45. He just stared in terror. "Open up or I'll just shoot you through the window," I said with a grin.
He rolled down the window and just went "Uhhhhh hi?" Like, this wasn't really happening. Like, am I some sort of hallucination?
"Hi there," I said. "Was that you that was riding my ass for like thirty miles with your bullshit aftermarket bright fucking headlights?"
"Ummm... Me?" he said, not knowing what the fuck was going on. Hoping the crazy person would just leave him the fuck alone. Not going to happen.
"Yea. I thought so. That was you. Fucking jackass. What's you deal? I gave you so much opportunity to pass and you just stayed behind me the whole way, taunting me with your motherfucking bullshit headlights." I was hoping for a real response.
"Oh, well I just wanted some tail lights to follow, you know. The fog and all. Can't see a damn thing out here." I guess he finally figured out that I was a real person and not some illusion and deserved an actual explanation. I appreciated that.
"Oh. Well, that does make sense." In fact, I had been trying to speed up the whole time to find someone to tail as well. So, his argument really did make sense. Maybe he wasn't a total jackass. Too bad, because by that point I was way past letting him go.
"Okay then," I said. "Get the fuck out of the car." Again he just stared at me like an apparition. I waited several seconds with him in a trance and said it again, this time with the gun pointed right at his head. "Get. The fuck. Out."
So, he got out, with his hands held high. "Put your fucking hands down," I said. Didn't much want someone driving by seeing a guy clearly being held up at gunpoint. With the shitty visibility and fog I doubt anyone would just see the gun, but they sure the fuck would notice some guy with his hands held up high.
He complied and put his hands down. "Now, march to my truck. Passenger side," and we walked to the truck.
Dan was still just sitting there in the passenger side reading his fucking kindle, not a care in the world. I opened the passenger side door and said "Dan, move the fuck over. You're driving."
Now, Dan is a perfectly normal person. He works in an insurance office for fucks sake. He didn't even know that I owned a gun. But, there I was, telling him to get over and drive while I held a big fucking gun to some stranger's head.
"What the fuck man?! What the fucking hell are you doing? Taking that guy hostage or something? Are you fucking insane?" Seriously, he had known me for over twenty years, and had no fucking idea I was stark-raving-mad.
"Just taking him for a ride. Now get over and drive. Don't make me shoot you." I said it with an evil grin so maybe he would think I really was insane.
"Jesus christ!" he said and finally moved over.
I shoved the jackass up into the front seat of the cab, to sit in the middle. I got in beside him and shut the door. "Turn off to Frog Lake," I told Dan.
"What the fuck for? What the hell are you doing?" he asked, clearly confused as to who the fuck he had been friends with for twenty years.
"Just going to teach this guy a lesson in good driving etiquette. Don't worry, just head to Frog Lake and shut the fuck up, okay?" and he did finally shut the fuck up.
We got to Frog Lake and I told Dan where to pull over. Near some picnic tables and trees. I got out of the truck and motioned with my gun for the jackass to get out as well. He just sat there in shock. "Do I have to say it again?" I said with clear intent, because with that he jumped out of the truck like a frightened child.
"Hey, Glenn. Seriously. Joke's over. Just let him go and lets get out of here." Said Dan. But I wasn't finished.
"Shut the fuck up and go back to reading your porn. And give me my fucking keys." I didn't want him chickening out and taking off without me.
"It's not porn! It's fan fiction, goddamnit." Dan was a big fat nerd and he loved his fan fic porn. He tossed me my keys and I shut the passenger door so he could get back to Sherlock fucking Watson.
I took the jackass to a tree and chained his right arm to it. Then I got my ATV down from the trailer and chained his left leg to the back of the ATV.
"What the hell are you doing?" asked the jackass, finally aware of his surroundings. He was really starting to panic. Like, I might actually hurt him or something.
"Well, see what's going to happen is I'm going to take off on my ATV that way..." I explained, pointing away from him. "And, either your arm is going to pull out of its socket, or your leg will break off at the knee."
"What?? Come on man! I'm sorry. I'm really sorry! Please. I can pay you. Whatever. Please!" he pleaded.
"Pay me? For what? Pay me for ripping your arm off? That's kind of stupid, don't you think?" I asked, in all seriousness.
"No, no! I'll pay you to let me go! Please. Come on. Just let me go! I promise I won't tell anyone." He was getting pathetic. So, I gave him a distraction.
I got some lighter fluid from the bed of the truck and squirted the jeans of the poor bastard real good. "Now what?!" he asked, his face even more shocked than before.
"Oh sorry. I really need to explain stuff more often. You see, you seemed a bit worried about me pulling your arm off with my ATV, so i figured I would give you a distraction by setting your legs on fire first." I explained it as clearly as I could.
"What?!" he screamed.
"Oh yea. And go ahead. Scream all you want. Nobody is going to hear you way the fuck out here," I said with an evil grin.
"Please. Please." He was really begging now. Crying a bit too. "Don't set me on fire. Come on. Don't do it. For the love of God."
And with that, I lit him on fire. I mean, if you're going to invoke the whole God thing, then you deserve to burn. "I guess God wanted you to burn," I said. "He sure the fuck didn't stop me, now did he?" And the jackass just screamed bloody murder.
I got on my ATV and revved it up something fierce. I tried to get the engine loud enough to drown out the poor bastard's screams, but it was impossible. He was fucking losing it.
So, I gunned it and sure enough, the jackass lost his arm at the shoulder. He bled all over the place as I did some cookies in the shallow snow while pulling him behind.
He was pretty much dead after that. I poured more lighter fluid on what was left of his body and lit it all on fire. "Next time, pass when given the chance, you stupid cunt." I said, as I spat in his dead, burning face.
I put the ATV back on the trailer, walked back to the truck and hopped in the passenger side. "Lets get the fuck out of here," I said and handed Dan the keys.
"Sherlock's dead," said Dan, with a frown. Almost looked like he had been crying.
"What?" I asked.
"He's dead. Watson fucked him to death. Can you believe that? Fucked to death. They were so good together," he went on. Pretty much oblivious to what had just gone down outside the truck, in the real world. He didn't even notice the burning corpse.
"You're such a faggot," I said.
"I know. Just for Sherlock though. If you tried to suck my dick, I'd punch you square in the face." He said, in all seriousness.
"Well, at least you have standards." I said, and we drove home.
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DISCLAIMER: This is fiction, you fucking idiots. It's just a goddamn story.
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